


tired

by doubleknot



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-09 08:08:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17403227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubleknot/pseuds/doubleknot
Summary: "i'm just tired is all"





	tired

**Author's Note:**

> don't mind me. just self projecting like always 'cause i love making our babies suffer. this is about suicide so please read at your own risk.

"i'm just tired is all, don't worry guys, i'll probably feel better tomorrow."

that's the last thing anyone hears from seo changbin. it's such a simple reassurance that had been said so many times by the young adult that no one gave it a second thought whenever it came out of his mouth. his friends all just nodded in understanding, they had all felt like that before, and told him to get some rest. everyone had assumed he was going to follow their advice and getting some rest whenever he left their traditional movie night early to go back home. no one knew following their advice apparently meant downing nine hundred milligrams of ambien.

 

chan's the one who finds him. the older male had been getting texts all day from jisung about how changbin was supposedly ignoring all of his messages, which he had shrugged off at first because there had been plenty times in the past that jisung had took the piss out of the petite boy so much that he deserved the cold shoulder he was on the receiving end of, and the surprising realization that he hadn't seen the brunet in any of their shared classes that day either. changbin wasn't one to just skip classes without reason so chan had taken it upon himself to go check on his best friend after his own texts and calls to the teen get ignored as well.

changbin's old but dearly loved volkswagen sitting in the drive lets chan know that his friend was home so he can't help but be a bit concerned whenever he spends a decent five minutes on the seo's porch knocking loudly on the front door. he couldn't help but wonder if maybe changbin was sick, that would explain why he had been tired the day before and why no one had heard anything out of the small boy all day. the blond let himself into the house without a second thought after he figures something is wrong with his friend.

"changbin?"

his voice carries throughout the dark house but receives no answer. "changbinnie," he tries once more as he makes his way upstairs to changbin's room. once again he is left with no response. "changbin, man, you in here," he asks as he pushes open the partially cracked door of the younger's room. it's eerily silent as he steps into the room, flicking on the light as he did so. the person he had been calling for is seemingly curled up fast asleep in his bed - he really mustn't have felt all that well yesterday because chan notices that he was wearing his hoodie and skinny jeans - but there's something odd about his sleeping figure. "aye, changbin," he shouts, hoping to wake his friend.

the teen doesn't stir which does nothing to ease the odd feeling that the twenty-one-year-old had growing in his chest. his steps are hesitant as he walks over to the bed to attempt to wake him up. once he's closer it dawns on chan why changbin's curled up figure looks so odd. his body is limp and still, his chest doesn't fall in even breathes of slumber, there's nothing lifelike to the teen at all. "binnie," he whispers as he reaches out to shake him but stops whenever his eyes fall to the pill bottle that's on the bed by changbin's head.

there's nothing that can stop the cry that leaves him; the sound is choked and harsh, scratching at his throat and burning his chest. his hands tremble as he pulls his phone out to call from help. his mind is blank throughout the whole call, gears hardly turning properly, doing the best he can to tell the 119 phone operator the emergency - no, the disaster that was taking place. he sits on the front steps on the seo's porch after he calls changbin's parents as well. the realization that seo changbin is dead never hits him fully though.

to chan the teen is just simply very sick and sleeping. he only had to call from help because changbin was sick, just sick, that was all.

(chan stays sitting on the steps, numb and blank, even when changbin's parents runs past him and into the house. the wail of changbin's name rings loudly in his ears but doesn't phase him. seeing emts carry out changbin's body on a covered stretcher with changbin's mom following after them, calling out for her son, does nothing to him either. something in him finally snaps whenever he gets back to his and woojin's shared apartment; he cries so violently that as soon as he steps inside the apartment his legs give out from under him and sends him sprawling out onto the floor.)

 

 

none of them speak to each other at the funeral. they all just exchange somber hugs and forlorn whispers of condolences to the seo family as they watched him be lowered into the ground. the crowd parts ways once the service is over with the exception of eight people. they all sit in the parking lot of the graveyard afterward. words aren't exchanged as they sit together. words won't bring changbin back so silence is just their comfort for one another. minho looks pissed the whole time they sit on the cold pavement. his hands clenching and unclenching in his lap as his teeth worried over his bottom lip. the others can tell he wants to say something but do nothing to push him to say it because sometimes it was best for things to be left unsaid.

(minho goes home that evening and screams, curses, and cries for changbin. he screams for how selfish the younger is for leaving them. he curses in the teen's name for being so stupid. he cries for he hadn't noticed that something had been wrong with changbin whenever he was still alive. all the signs had been there but none of them had noticed it.)

 

woojin's the first of them to visit the teen's grave only a week after the funeral. the young man is silent as he just stares down at the tombstone that rests atop the fresh grave. his parents had been quick to get a tombstone made because their son deserved nothing but the best treatment even after death. the simple phrase etched under his name and the years he lived brings tears to his eyes but he does nothing to stop them from falling - "these days, I, more than the latter, belong as a warrior." he takes those words to heart because he knows he's heard them before but he can't remember where from. the man returns home after he leaves a small bouquet of hydrangeas resting against the tombstone.

(he asks chan that night if the phrase seemed familiar to him as well to which the other confirms that it was lines from one of the songs that changbin had made whenever they - changbin, chan, and jisung - use to mess around and make music. changbin's parents were always proud of anything that the teen had done so it was no surprise that they used his work to honor his memory. it only takes one soft, whispered "please" from woojin to get chan to send him to the audio file. he falls asleep that night with the song on repeat and tears staining his face. woojin wishes he had listened to the song before so that changbin would have never had to ask those 'what if?'s)

 

jeongin still messages changbin's number from time to time. he knows it's silly and childish it but it was his way of dealing with someone so dear to him being gone. whenever changbin was alive the older had made it known to the young teen that he was always just one message away no matter what. it didn't matter if it was one in the morning or six in the evening, any message to changbin was always answered except for these. all of jeongin's messages to changbin after his death all just said delivered by the bubble box and he knew that they were never going to be read or answered but that didn't stop him. he would pull his phone out on bad days and type out his thoughts and feelings without any hesitation. what he had done would only dawn on him after he sent the texts which would make him turn his phone off out of shame just so he wouldn't have to deal with what he had done.

(jisung catches him typing a message to changbin one day. the teen stumbles over his words, tongue-tied and ashamed, trying to explain to him what he was doing. the gentle look the older boy gives him brings jeongin to tears. jeongin sobs into jisung's chest for hours after that, telling the older how they all should've been listening to changbin's problems instead of making him listen to theirs.)

 

changbin's family reaches out to them only a month after his death. they had all tried to visit them at some point in time so it wasn't odd that the seo's had contacted them but it was awkward when the group of friends found out why they had been called to their house. "are you sure," seungmin asks changbin's dad, his words careful and calculated as he speaks to the tired man. seungmin has never seen the man look so rough before. the dreary look on the man's face squeezes at all of their hearts as he gives them a solemn nod. "take whatever you want," the man's voice wavers, "i'm getting tired of looking at it."

they all exchange brief glances after he walks off leaving them in changbin's room. changbin's older sister just glowers as she stands in the doorway of the teen's room, her mother in tears by her side as she looked at the eight of them. "we can't just take his things," seungmin states softly causing the others to mumble different versions of agreements. "then don't take anything," changbin's sister hisses before she storms off down the hall. no one can blame her for being upset, she was watching her parents give away her dead little brother's things, so they don't take any offense to such actions. they watch as changbin's mom sniffs, hands rubbing harshly at wet eyes before she gives them all a small smile.

"you guys were his family just as much as anyone else in this house. you all deserve something to remember him by other than memories and pain so if there's anything of his you'd like to have, it's yours."

none of them argue with her about it. they all just nod and promise to take only small things like a photo or book. pleased with their answer changbin's mom leaves them alone but only after she gives the room a pitiful once over.

(felix is quick to grab the all too familiar munchlax plush he spots laying under changbin's bed while the others looked over changbin's photos and books. he clutches it to his chest and doesn't let go of it until he gets home. changbin use to not be able to go to sleep unless he had that very plush and felix can't help but wonder if he had laid with his precious plush for one last time whenever he took all of those pills. the teen goes to sleep that night with the plush, shedding a few tears whenever he realized that it still smelt like changbin)

 

"i still can't believe he's gone."

it falls silent at the booth they're sitting at as all eyes fall on hyunjin. the blond blinks slowly, not bothered by the sudden attention, before he leans back in his seat making the leather crackle under his weight. "well," he mumbles as he drops his eyes down to his food, "i can't." hyunjin clears his throat softly as his eyes glaze over with unshed tears but he makes no effort to make them go away. "i can't either," seungmin states from his spot across the table before giving him a small smile. hyunjin smiles back, the smile weak and force, before he turns to look at minho who goes back to talking about the dance showcase he was supposed to be in.

("sometimes i expect to wake up and this be all some terrible nightmare," seungmin whispers causing hyunjin to glance over at him. they were walking home together after dinner with the others, it was just them and the street lights so they were finally able to talk about changbin without ruining everyone's mood. "i wish it was just a nightmare," hyunjin states as his eyes get teary once again. "i wish this was all just a nightmare so that i can wake up tomorrow and have my best friend back and tell him all the things i never got to tell him," he adds. seungmin stays quiet, he knows hyunjin has probably been holding this in for a while so he lets him talk, but he does reach over and grab hold of one of his hands. "i- i want to wake up tomorrow and tell him about how i knew he was depressed but didn't say anything because i was too scared to let his pain be real." hyunjin trails off after that, hot tears rolling down his face by that point. neither of them say anything for the rest of the night but seungmin is there to hold hyunjin whenever he wakes up in the morning and realize that it isn't a nightmare. seungmin is there to help hyunjin let his pain be real in the way the boy wished he had done for changbin.)

 

  
"do you think if we made him stay that night that he would still be here?"

jisung watches as chan's shoulders sag at the question and the older heaves a sigh. they're sitting in the old studio that they, back when 3racha still was a thing for the young adults, use to record songs in. "i don't know," is all he gets paired with a glance from the blond before chan turns back to the monitor in front of him. the teen honestly wasn't sure why chan even bothered writing lyrics or making beats anymore because it wasn't like they were ever going to be heard. nothing jisung or chan made had been heard since changbin's death.

"we should've made him stay," he states after ten minutes of watching the other work. the teen notices how the other tenses up before he huffs and tries to get back to work. jisung isn't having it though, he plans to be heard and heard is what he's going to be. "we all knew something was off but we let him go home anyways. we might as well have shoved the pills down his throat ourselves," he yells as he stands up from the little leather couch that's in the studio. chan is out of the chair and in his face in a matter of seconds, brows furrowed, nostrils flaring, and eyes wide, but jisung makes no move to step away from him because this is exactly what he wanted.

"shut your fucking mouth," the older growls as he stares him down. jisung can see chan's hands clenching into fists and it excites him. "he's dead. he's dead and it's because of us," he spits out, his words harsh and laced with hatred. the fist that meets his jaw makes him fall back onto the couch. chan glares down at him with hard eyes and jisung just laughs as he looks at the older. "you're just mad 'cause it's true." the blond just shakes his head before storming out of the studio leaving jisung alone with his thoughts of how he wished they had made changbin stay.

(the studio door opens a half hour later causing jisung to glance over at it, chan stands there with two popsicles and a piece of cheesecake in hand. "i'm sorry," he mumbles as he presses one of the popsicles against the purple bruise that was forming along the eighteen year old's jaw. "it's okay, i deserved it," he reassures him in between bites of cheesecake. "no, you didn't," the older argues causing the teen to shrug. they play old 3racha tracks in the studio as they cuddle on the couch once the snacks are gone. "i miss him," jisung mumbles into chan's chest during one of changbin's lines. jisung knows that the way chan's arms tighten around him is his way of saying he missed him too.)

**Author's Note:**

> the ending is kinda of eh but oh well.  
> thoughts and constructive cristisms is always welcomed~
> 
> [feel free to scream at me on tumblr: https://tinybubkai.tumblr.com/ ]


End file.
